[ Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. ]

written on 2003-08-14 at 12:32 p.m.

I never imagined I would have the guts.

My heart was hammering in my chest, my palms were clenched and sweating, and I felt sick. But I parked my bike across the street at Wild Rose Park, swallowed my fear, and walked across the street to stand at the foot of her driveway. Something inside of me wanted to run away. Something inside of me forced me to stay. And so I took a deep breath and made myself walk up that rocky old driveway.. and before I could stop myself, I thought : "I hope Allie doesn't jump all over me and get me dirty." I cringed. God, I'll never get used to reality. A friendly voice from the porch called to me a warm hello, and I squeeked back a nervous reply of the same kind of manner.

A handsome young man, no more than twenty five, waved to me and told me to come on up. I somehow managed to stammer enough of a semblence of the english language to ask him if he was the one who lived there now. He said, yes, he lived here alone. Turns out he's a musician that plays with a band called Dragonfly, and that his name is Paul. Said both his mother and sister's name was Jennifer, and laughed about the irony. I told him how much the house had meant to me, and the woman that lived inside of it for so much of her life. Where she lived and dreamed and died.

Paul even let me inside to see what it all looked like.. and I could feel tears stinging my eyes as I stood there looking at that house for the first time in forever. Nothing of Susan remained, but the house was really beautiful in her wake. I felt like something had been jammed into my throat with a sledgehammer. And I was so happy and so sad, and I felt like the floor was spinning. How many times had I wished I'd had the nerve to walk up that old path and see who lived there now?

Outside we sat down and talked about some things : what she had been like and how she hairdressed in that one little room.. how I was going to university soon, and how much my dad loved her. How we all loved her. I told him he was blessed because the whole house was filled and built with love. I was glad that someone was here taking proper care of it, making it beautiful like she would have wanted it to be.

All the flowers still bloom there.

I left him with a smile and departed for the rocks along Wild Rose Park. I laid out across them and felt .. inexplicable pain. It wasn't hers anymore, but it would always be in my memory -- every time I drive past, I will always think of her. I drove to the fitness center, where I walked in to an empty room save for Jillian. I hugged her, choking on my own words through tears.. and I told her where I'd gone and cried and cried for the first time since January.

I still expected Allie to be there, and Susan to be in the parlor cutting someone's hair laughing about something.. and even Samantha sitting around doing one thing or another.. but it was all gone. Like a dream in smoke, it was gone. And I cried for it. I mourned it. Finally reality slapped me in the face with all it's indifferent fury..

And I want it back more than I ever did in my life. More than I've ever wanted anything ever. I want so badly for someone to lie to me.

I want the illusion back.

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